X
Have I done the right thing?
My heart says no.
But my beliefs says yes.
My soul does not feel settled.
My spirit is broken.
You can do the lion pose and that cannot change me.
Shake me and I will remain stagnant.
Hug me and you have a waterfall.
Kiss me and you have the ocean.
Our connection is free and will always remain that way.
Forever your monkey.
P.S. I still love you. Forgive me.
Closer
Each footfall
The smell of the sea draws closer.
Shadows of you
You should know
that there are pieces of your mouth
left here unintentionally
it follows around
the shadow of you
and it costs the world to breathe
today i'm thinking of you
with some new memory
and some gray old history
i trip everyday without thinking
just with the shadow of you.
"i want to stay with you." the sweetest words in my life, ripped away. i'm here ming.
i'm here...
Venom
Place the poison bloom
kicking the poison beneath the petals
bathed in the pale moon.
you'll never see her shade..
Who will save the flower?
love begets love?
if only at this hour
if only one touch above
Blow the petals to the wind
and let time show her way
grasp it tight
the poison bloom no more...
Melancholic Monologues
Warmest salutations to the queen of swing and the master of spices...
Still awaiting in my dearest, darling starbucks for the return of my brightest star. effervescent as i may seem, my goals seem bankrupt without u here. For the first few times in my life, i feel that i have nothing much to do.
But the conundrum is that i actually enjoy bathing in the hope and probability of your return. I'm actually happy with nothing to do. how weird. Please excuse the soppiness of my expressions darling. You need not follow suit. Actually, you'd be so NOT ming if you're romantic. : )
I'm drowning my 3rd cup of coffee (please not that i only drink arabica beans now) and i felt that i was going to emit bubbly condiments of caffeine out my pores. I had to enlist the assistance of yet another sweet young thing to keep an eye on my stuff while i ran into the sunset to pee. And i tell you, the hedonistic pleasure of holding your pee in for too long and then letting it all go at once... (ben staring at the wall) okay. i digressed. woops.
There was another man sitting accross from me who i could ask to watch over my stuff. He was bald and had a scar on his arm. Looked arabian. I'd actually think twice before requesting a bald arabian with scars to watch over my stuff.
The girl's name is Aida and she works in TV3. She's sitting at my table, infront of me now as to be able to access the power points. You'd like her though. She's very bubbly and...uhmn...vulgar. Just like u. minus the bubbly.
Hey before you left, at the end of our MSN conversation, u mentioned the 17th and then u said u had a meeting. 17th what? what meeting did u go to? Please, tell me AAAALLL about the friends u've made in australia. tony, churchmates and ur flatmates and all. It'd be a very interesting read.
So how about you? have u brushed ur teeth? Do u always remember to flush after you've done doing ur business? did u touch urself today? AGAIN?? heheheh. don't be shy. i'm just kidding you know. Everytime u tease me are call me something i'm so excited. Whether u call me stupiiid or u tease my "so dahsyat", it shows that my baby will fight back, and fight back with a passion. It proves that passion exists.
heheheheh...i read back my writing and i'[ve begun to realise the extent of adaptation i have acquired since meeting you. My structuring of sentences and the high speed of plot is largely a result of your influence... i'm starting to accomodate you now. The world changes for people like you, Bossy chick.
last night i went to have a drink remember, and i brought up this idea: if a man comes to your house, and rapes your wife, or slits the throat of your husband, hangs your children and rapes them too and runs around town covered in their blood, how would you avenge? would u forgive? or would u torture. They all winced when they heard my words and they all suddenly held a grudge against this invisible psychopath. All night we debated on how we would torture such a person. I tell you, it's freaky, the things u can encite in a man, even a woman's mind when u give them the right curcumstances. It just goes to prove that we are all just primitive beings. Just in a controlled environment. No one chose forgiveness. sheesh. morality is gone. not to say that i have any, but it's scary. (ben shudders) But the best part: we were all laughing when we were talking about it. My idea of torture was to place th guy in a room, devoid of anything but huge ass speakers, lock him in, then blast Mariah Carey and Enrique Iglesias for 24 hours. The guy would die a tortuous death. hahaha.
Wow... getting longer.
With this, i shall beg my leave and attempt to stop boring you with my melancholic monologues and leave you to relish in these horrendous thoughts. Serves you right. Bleek.
Don't forget to brush your teeth. Chin up at all times. Lifes a bitch but we're BIGGER bitches. yeah!
- Inspector Benjamin
Today..Something changed for me. I don't know about you.
It would eventually happen but I didn't expect it to occur so soon.
I was oversensitive and paranoid and I tried to prevent it. Really. I tried to.
Nevertheless, I was still hurt.
I know I should reply you faster when you're online.
I'm sorry when I postpone my reply and I'm distracted.
But I felt you were acting cold even though you stated that you weren't.
(Sorry my thoughts are scattered and I'm trying hard to put them together)
And when you told me to go, I felt that you were chasing me away.
That's when things changed on my side.
A thousand negative thoughts were sprinting in my head and I tried to focus.
I kept trying to calm myself down and not respond to you immediately so that I could think clearly.
I took 20 minutes to send that short message because I was running through it thinking whether I sounded too harsh? Submissive? Forward? Angry?
Yes, it did affect me that bad. And even when you said that you were just teasing, I'm still not assured about that. Please do state whether you're hurt and don't let this post/message affect you from expressing how you feel in the future.
My heart was frozen until you messaged "Hey soulmate. Miss you." But I hid the sadness perfectly when I was at the party. Nobody sensed that I was down. I was all smiles.
Your clips did make me happy again but when you didn't reply me about your destination for about three times, I grew suspicious. For goodness' sake! I was suspicious! The last feeling I expected to feel about you.
(This is so hard to write)
It's not easy that we don't get to hear each other's voice everyday frequently. It must be hard (or even harder) for you since you're back in Malaysia and you pass by places that we spent time together and memories come flooding back. Maybe not. I don't know.
I still love you even though I may seem cold. Please and please don't let this affect you. I need to hear your thoughts. I need to know how you're feeling. It's all because I care. I know you know that. I really do love you. I don't want this to affect us. I won't let it. I love you.
~Drowned mermaid
Buckets
My room flooded.
My carpets got soaked.
I hung my room out to dry.
Never has water been so uninvited, yet so present.
Never has there been more.
I hung myself out to dry.
I cried buckets...
I miss her...
why...
-Damp captain
To death do us apart
Tiger,
You've never caused me pain, u know? It was the people around us.
There's nothing to put up with you. I think you're an easy person to be around with. Seriously. You make me smile and laugh. If there was anybody being difficult in this relationship it would be me. You have to stand my silence, spacing out moments, depressed times and loads of other crap. You are always there for me and I'm never going to take that for granted. What would I do without you. The simple answer is death.
I'm leaving tomorrow and I want to come back already. I want you by my side. You are always in my heart. But I want you here physically. So bad. But everything can't go our way, can it. One day, it will. I will continue praying for that day.
I'm seriously gonna miss you. Your imitation of people and things. Your smiles. Smirk. Your crooked nose. The way you look at me. Your teasing. Your manja ways.
At times, I swore the world stopped. I sometimes wanted to severe all ties so that it's just us. Actually at all times. It would be so ideal. Why can't everything be realistic? We must get through this. No matter what.
The more I write, the sadder I get.
I just talked to you. Man, how depressing can we get. Nevermind, we shall be strong or try to. I love you, babes..
No wonder they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. But they totally forgot the part about it breaking apart.
I will miss your gorilla pose. Your purring noises. Our gajar kasut times. How ben? How ben? How my sweet tiger ben?? I love you and I will always repeat it until my mouth is extremely dry.
I wish I didn't lose my phone. I should have known the absence of one would add so much more pain to not talking to you. I wanted to sms you for the past few days. Keep those sweet smses. Miss call you. Bother you with my calls. Hear your voice. Make you use up your credit incredibly fast. Hehe.
And no, you're not gonna die. I'm gonna die. I am already. Nevertheless, you were right about the 5 minute rule. It is better than nothing. It was more than 10 minutes anyway. Hehehehe..
I can't get enough of you, tiger. I never will.
With you, I'm more patient, polite and grateful. Tak tipu! That's why I'm dependent on you, my source of strength. (Wah, such a burden on you). I shall be your source of strength too! (Now not so bad, right? Hehehehehe).
I'm sorry for the times I wasn't there for you to talk to. I'm sorry that I wasted our last time together. I'm sorry that I didn't get to talk to you for long enough before I leave. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't cheer you up when you were a little down (don't deny it). I want to be everything that you need. I want to be there to hug you. Kiss you. Smother you with my love. I want to be the one to trigger a smile on your face when you feel low. I want to be there for you. Period.
And I will be there for you spiritually and emotionally. Physically is a bit hard but I shall be back in late june to mid july. We shall wait in anticipation for the reunion of aching hearts and lips.
I sayang you the most. As I've said, I wanna stay with you and I will keep by that.
I love you all seasons, tiger/lion/monkey/gorilla/gajar kasut/babes/love/dear.
Forever your silly monkey
P.S. And I love you. MUAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
It is 12.55am when I finished writing this post. So much delays. I can't wait to hear from you. Love you.
Break a Leg
Darling,
I know i shouldn't really be saying farewell like it's the last time we're going to meet. Don't worry. This blog isn't public and i ensure you that my uninhibited cheese will not humiliate you infront of your acquiantances and your friends. I shall smother you, without borders.
Ma'am. I'm sorry for all the pain i've caused you. Thank you for putting up with me. I know i'm not such an easy person to be with and you tolerate me well. Forgive me for demanding much from you. I try my best.
You have given me a good share of rainbows and sunshines. I will be savoury and use them carefully and sparingly while you're gone. I'm keeping the rest to use with you when you return. I grant you your freedom in Australia as long as you don't lie to me. You know this crap already. The happiest days of my life has been with you. Surprising as i have traveled the world, these eyes have seen the most magnificent sights, these hands have felt the softest of silk and this heart has had it's portion of emotions and more but yet, when i see you, literally i think to my self (and this is true) i think, is there any view i would rather be seeing right now? is there anything else i'd rather have brushing my skin? is there any other feeling i would rather enjoy? and i thought and i thought and i thought and the answer is always no... seriously. Now you know, when everytime i stare at you, you'll always ask me "WHY?", "WHY?"... and i will always answer "nothing, nothing"...
Undeniably there have been times where i have looked pissed, but it was mainly because i thought that you have left me... your heart no more next to mine...
but now i know better. You just space out, and you're an idiot.
I'm not going to give you any advise on how to live your life but i just want you to remember.. stay away from the bad stuff, sleep only with good guys.. pick them carefuly.. you're not cheap.. you rock. Forget me not. Don't forget to brush your teeth. Flush everytime you use the toilet. Wash your jeans regularly. Cut down on junk food. Exercise. You are beautiful, no need to look in the mirror too much. When things go bad, you always have me, and my hands await yours at all times. Look back on our good days to feel comfort. Look forward to coming back for even more comfort with me... When you look at my pictures, look into my eyes and be ensured that i'll be looking back. When i look into your eyes, i see sadness outside, destitution of something i cannot place, but i see happiness deep deep deep inside... My little Christian apple pie. Always remember me running my fingers through your hair. Remember me placing my hands on your cheek and holding your face, playing with your nose and pinching your chin. Remember our kiss of love. Left eyebrow, right eyebrow, left cheek, right cheek, nose, chin, corners of lips, and a hug that cannot be parted by the jaws of death itself...
Forgive me for the lack of poetry, but there's so many things i have yet to share with you, that i haven't been given the chance to do yet. I will miss every single thing about you. I already do.
I have never stopped my sayang for you. Never will. Since i met you i can't right that well nor can i paint or sing at all... probably my lfe felt content without all of this... just with u.
I will never forget your thousands of smiles. The tight grasp of your hand, passing through electric through my arm and giving my heart a jolt. BzzZZZzzz!!!
I love you ming. I'm sorry for the pain. I'm sorry i can't be your man. I'll sure as hell persist though!! I will be your man. Your number ONE. No one can bring me down when i'm with you.
I have never been happier. I hope you will find that someday too.... : )
-your predominant man
Whateva!... (doing the head and hand thing)
From the moments of our rambling around and our visibly pointless roamings, i have grown to sayang you past the norms of sayang. The days under the stars, the days of rushing you home to mommy as to avoid persecution, and possibly execution (you're mum is highly capable of bludgeoning me to death with a broom and all assortments of household and kitchen appliances), the days of stealing moments just to confront what emotions plague our hearts and livers and kidneys and spleens...
These days i shall hold close inside me. These days, i entrust to you to hold dearly, not as a symbol of ownership, but as a symbol that we, each other, have change each other immensely. Voluntarily. For the betterment of ourselves. Should one day, a man decieves you in your travels, should one day, all you want, goes wrong, just look back on these days and feel the comfort that someone just like you, albeit being darker and taller, with thicker hair, but just as hairy as you, is smiling at the same thoughts as you.
Light a candle in you window should these days arise, which i pray shall never arise for you. It's been 2 months plus and this fastening bond we hold grows not weaker, but stronger than carbon fibre. You know carbon fibre. It's that weird thing on cars that is light but strong, like steel but made from hairs, of what, i have not a friggin clue. Poor creature, which is left hairless, whatever creature it may be... forgive me.. i digressed.
These two months have thought me:
1. Sushi tastes better in Isetan if u eat it with Ming
2. 5 minutes is better than nothing
3. Merajuk can be so addictive.
4. Being a spoiled brat is fun.
5. Blek.
6. Contracts must be drawn and titles must be established.
7. Should contracts be void, we turn to hairy monkeys. It's the law of physics.
8. Love can make you FAT.
9. Love can make you go to the gym after that.
10.Booking hotels is not that hard.
11. Holding food in the air is an acquired taste.
12. Dunhill Menthol Lights taste like toothpaste.
13. Mothers can kill with broomsticks and fathers can call bosses.
14. Car door locks can spoil 15 times in the course of 2 months.
15. Harris is funny.
16. You are funny.
17. All manner of goods can be made into earings.
18. Hugging is better than sex... really... seriously... i get so steamy.
19. Women fart too.
20. Love is simple.
21. If you feel an irresistable urge to fight, to rant and to disagree, fight about pizza.
22. Indie pop is cool, but the guys sound like the wear really tight underwear.
23. Patience is easy.
24. Physical scars don't last that long.
25. Cititel is not like Genting after all.
26. Spacing-out is OK.
27. Looking like an idiot while you space-out is NOT OK.
28. Looking like an idiot while you space-out and drooling at the same is OK because it just proves that you really are an idiot.
29. When they squirt, clear the way, unless you want to DIE tsunami style.
30. When you love, love with all your heart. Noone's gonna blame you.
31. When you cry, hide it.
32. When you hide it, tell them later so they feel bad.
33. Ming walks funny. I know why.
34. Say "WHY" with passion. It'll get you answers quicker and will make you feel better.
35. Learned the proper manner in which to use the word "resilience" (ben rolls eyes)
36. Never let go.
37. Kisses are expensive.
38. Dreams are weird but a good topic for conversation.
39. I know how to love.
40. I know how it feels to be loved in return. It feels so good. How can anyone ever give it up?
41. I know that my heart is not made of stone.
42. I know that i have found my center. My center is your belly button.
43. My laptop is better than yours.
44. Using chopsticks properly is very "Ah-Beng". If you can use it properly, pretend you can't.
45. Doing the "Gorilla" can really make you laugh. For no apparent reason. Do i really look like a gorilla when i do it? really? WHY?
46. God can be my provider.
47. 7eleven can provide my groceries though.
48. But in the end, GOD provides my salary. Through the finance department, of course.
49. Teenage movies still suck, no matter which era it is in.
50. I love you.
Ming. I love you. I truly do. All that talk about doing up our own house, about what we'll do after work, about the segregation of our chores, about bringing up our kids, have made me see a future that is too good to be true in your eyes. Your devastatingly sepet eyes. Slits, more like it.
You have shown me a life that is to die for. Though it comes true or not, i have no regrets whatsoever. There will be more of these to come ma'am.
I shall love you till the end of time and no tide, no earthquake, no despot and no death of a million lemmings will change that. Though the seas rise and fall, though the mountains shift, Ben will always be Ming's.
-Sunken Captain
